Vampires are keeping me up at night. Literally. I spent an hour or more trying to kill mosquitoes last night. Here’s what happened:
There is this little night lamp pluggin type thing that emits mosquito repellant, however, mine was broken. I was about to go to sleep last night; I was all tucked in under bed, with my laptop tuned to some illegal site, so I could watch House M.D. online. I look up and across my room and there on the wall and ceiling are ten mosquitoes. I got up out of bed and went to go find the mosquito death spray made in Mumbai by the “Goody” hair brand in America. It’s that brand you see in Target when you go to buy bobby pins and headbands. Now, let me just tell you about this mosquito death spray. First of all, it’s called, “Hit! Kill Malaria.” Then, as if no one knows about malaria, the can gives you a brief bio of malaria…
Malaria kills opportunities. By buying this pack [can], you are securing your opportunities.
Okay, right, so now, without even having to wikipedia malaria, I am given a pretty good idea of what happens if you get malaria. Here is a math equation to show what happens if you get malaria:
Malaria is Y, O is opportunities, L is life, and M is 2012-world-ending like in the Mayan calendar…
Y=O (0)+L (0)+M (definite)
(Okay, and there is everything I learned in pre-cal!)
Anyways, so I go to find this death spray…but I can’t find it anywhere. So I go back to my room and sit on my bed and look at the little buggers on the wall and ceiling and think, “Well, there goes sleep tonight.” Then, I come up with this brilliant plan. If I kill all ten of the mosquitoes, I will be able to sleep peacefully. I observe that the mosquitoes linger on the ceiling but slowly make their way down to a lower part of the wall. I hunker down like a cat…actually I sit on the bed with a wad of cheap toilet paper in my hands and wait. The first one slid down and I ever so slowly crossed my room and squished it. It was gross. I threw it in my toilet.
By the time I had taken out a grand total of four mosquitoes, another mosquito had found its way into my room. My task seemed hopeless. I got on facebook and began to talk to my friend’s aunt who lives in India. It turns out, you can coat your body in coconut oil and that prevents mosquitoes from biting you. However, I did not having any coconut oil. So, I asked if Ghee would get the job done. Though I was given the go ahead, I decided against rubbing my body in Ghee. I mean, if it got hot enough in the night I might have roasted.
Then, I had another, classic-brilliant, Idea. I remembered that mosquitoes don’t come out in the winter. I decided I would turn on the AC in my room and make my room as cold as possible, hoping that the mosquitoes would either: A. Die of the cold, or B. Go away. Okay…so…I admit defeat, this idea basically failed.
At some point, I was so tired that I turned of the lights and decided to forgo my life’s opportunities. I would deal with malaria in the morning. Morning came. I was woken by the gentle hum of a buzz in my ear. After much slapping and squirming I was up. I have good news and bad news. Good: I don’t yet have malaria. Bad: I have been eaten alive. My whole body itches.
ERGO, I have come up with a scheme. However much garlic I can eat without dying—that is how much I am going to eat in order to ward of the mosquitoes. Well, that or I am going to buy a mosquito net. Speaking of which, I need to go spray my room with death spray. I finally found it!
There is this little night lamp pluggin type thing that emits mosquito repellant, however, mine was broken. I was about to go to sleep last night; I was all tucked in under bed, with my laptop tuned to some illegal site, so I could watch House M.D. online. I look up and across my room and there on the wall and ceiling are ten mosquitoes. I got up out of bed and went to go find the mosquito death spray made in Mumbai by the “Goody” hair brand in America. It’s that brand you see in Target when you go to buy bobby pins and headbands. Now, let me just tell you about this mosquito death spray. First of all, it’s called, “Hit! Kill Malaria.” Then, as if no one knows about malaria, the can gives you a brief bio of malaria…
Malaria kills opportunities. By buying this pack [can], you are securing your opportunities.
Okay, right, so now, without even having to wikipedia malaria, I am given a pretty good idea of what happens if you get malaria. Here is a math equation to show what happens if you get malaria:
Malaria is Y, O is opportunities, L is life, and M is 2012-world-ending like in the Mayan calendar…
Y=O (0)+L (0)+M (definite)
(Okay, and there is everything I learned in pre-cal!)
Anyways, so I go to find this death spray…but I can’t find it anywhere. So I go back to my room and sit on my bed and look at the little buggers on the wall and ceiling and think, “Well, there goes sleep tonight.” Then, I come up with this brilliant plan. If I kill all ten of the mosquitoes, I will be able to sleep peacefully. I observe that the mosquitoes linger on the ceiling but slowly make their way down to a lower part of the wall. I hunker down like a cat…actually I sit on the bed with a wad of cheap toilet paper in my hands and wait. The first one slid down and I ever so slowly crossed my room and squished it. It was gross. I threw it in my toilet.
By the time I had taken out a grand total of four mosquitoes, another mosquito had found its way into my room. My task seemed hopeless. I got on facebook and began to talk to my friend’s aunt who lives in India. It turns out, you can coat your body in coconut oil and that prevents mosquitoes from biting you. However, I did not having any coconut oil. So, I asked if Ghee would get the job done. Though I was given the go ahead, I decided against rubbing my body in Ghee. I mean, if it got hot enough in the night I might have roasted.
Then, I had another, classic-brilliant, Idea. I remembered that mosquitoes don’t come out in the winter. I decided I would turn on the AC in my room and make my room as cold as possible, hoping that the mosquitoes would either: A. Die of the cold, or B. Go away. Okay…so…I admit defeat, this idea basically failed.
At some point, I was so tired that I turned of the lights and decided to forgo my life’s opportunities. I would deal with malaria in the morning. Morning came. I was woken by the gentle hum of a buzz in my ear. After much slapping and squirming I was up. I have good news and bad news. Good: I don’t yet have malaria. Bad: I have been eaten alive. My whole body itches.
ERGO, I have come up with a scheme. However much garlic I can eat without dying—that is how much I am going to eat in order to ward of the mosquitoes. Well, that or I am going to buy a mosquito net. Speaking of which, I need to go spray my room with death spray. I finally found it!
